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畀返個仔我 | 王仲傑 | 籽識教育

醫生都會病;戀愛專家自身戀愛狀況可以一團糟,因為這世上有太多東西,並非單憑知識全靠經驗便能迎刃而解的。所以那些在寫二代溝通寫到好像頭頭是道的人,並不代表就擁有完美無憾的兩代關係。
你們不知道的是,書名「畀返個仔我」不是純粹搞下笑有感而發,它隱含著的,是我代入我媽看到的畫面。沒錯,我和媽也沒有破例,衝破不到可能是世上最難過的鴻溝 ﹣代溝。
故事由這裡說起。我有個懂紫微斗數的朋友替我算命,第一句跟我說的是︰「你有沒有記錯時辰,這條命不是你的。算出來的你跟父母緣很薄。」在旁人眼中,我是一個很孝順的仔。這點是確定的。我媽,就是傳統把自己奉獻給家庭,把最好都給子女的簡單媽媽,這點也是肯定的。可惜的是,我們愛著對方的指向,從來沒有對準過對方。當愛沒有放對位,再大的愛也是一種費力徒然。那結果不是毫無效果,是反效果。好心做壞事。
沒有人知道我曾經花了多少心思去讓媽理解「我」,可以想像的是她一定比我更努力希望做到這一點。這些努力,不但沒有改善了些什麼,有時反而令情況更壞。當我希望得到最親的人了解我所思所想所做,我媽的投放在處理好家頭細務;當我以我的角度給予最好,卻偏不是她要的好。然後換來的,是我的無耐性、不踿踩、責備她不理解她的兒子。
我常幻想,每當外人對媽就說「你就好啦有兩個咁乖既仔」而看不見他兩個麻煩奄尖可惡難頂的頑童時,她是怎樣報以微笑的。我倆大奸大惡媽固然慘,但至少有同情之手,驟眼看的「妳就好啦」裡的不足為外人道,或者讓她更難堪。或者這就是家家有本難念的經吧。
我們一直在互相理解對方的愛和好,卻一直未能親手承接那本是最自然最理所當然的一種愛的關係。最薄的緣,最大的無奈,莫過於此。
在我人生的每個重要環節和每次得到什麼類型的肯定,我也覺得媽偉大﹐因為我不停在為誰為誰,卻好像從沒有為過我的媽似的。每當我惱她用錯力在一些對我而言雞毛蒜皮的事,她只會說:「媽能做的就只是這些。別怪媽,媽能為你做到一點點,已經心滿意足。」我記得她曾跟我說:「你行得快,媽跟不上,希望你體諒」。我體諒,只是我對人生的不覺悟使我理解母子關係仍停留於小時候母親照顧兒子的階段。我願上天讓我有知慧知曉感悟,在她真的老去之前,畀返個仔我阿媽。讓這個一直只能跟大眾一起認識自己兒子的她,能好好的擁有一個平凡母親的母子關係,她已盡全力,問心無愧,配得擁有這最基本和最渴望的。
我把此書獻給我的媽媽 ﹣劉惠娟女士。妳一直以我為榮,但我今天擁有的一切都來自妳。是我以妳為榮,但今次不用別人的掌聲,是我親自的跟妳說:謝謝。今天,讓我畀返個仔我阿媽。